Petsel Brian

Profile Updated: April 23, 2011
Residing In: ST. Petersburg, FL Botswana
Spouse/Partner: Snake (AKA Paula)
Occupation: Golf Ball Salvage Diver
Children: Jack, 22
Tequila, 21
Smirnoff, 18
Brandy, 17
Crack, 16

(Newest stuff)
I'm sorry I was unable to make it to the 2010 class reunion, but during this event I was once again incarcerated. I decided to update this NEHI page instead. Why was I arrested this time? Well, like Michael Vick, I got caught up in the seedy world of dog fighting. The demand for used golf balls has still not picked up, so I needed the extra cash that dog fighting could bring in. I have enclosed some fight photos below for anyone who is a fan of the sport.

Dog fighting paid very well and left me with disposable income that I wisely invested in a high grade crystal meth lab. The great thing about owning your own meth lab is, well duh, free meth! No more selling blood or prostituting the children. We were finally starting to live really well until the feds came in and ruined the party.

Now you would think that after all of this that I would be bitter, but I am not. I always look on the bright side of life. Getting arrested turned out to be a blessing in disguise. By normal court procedure I had to be examined by the prison doctor. This is one of the cheapest forms of health insurance there is. No annoying co-pays or out of pocket expenses what so ever. Who needs "Obama Care"! I get regular semi-annual check-ups that are absolutely free. Anyway, someone upstairs is watching out for me because during this last exam the doctor located a tiny fragment of brain in my scull. As you can imagine, this came as quite a surprise to everyone and I have begun an aggressive treatment plan to try to correct the problem. It really does pay to get regular physical exams.

Snake Hole and the kids are doing well. All of them are driving now and a few of them still have licenses. One of them, I'm not sure which one, just got acquitted for DUI so he shouldn't lose his high paying job delivering for Dominos again. My Daughter Tequila has started a beauty salon in our area. It should be quite successful judging by the clients I see. Many women go into the salon that I can't even tell are prostitutes until they finally come out. She has also started dating my best friend which feels a little weird to me. I have told her this on a couple of occasions, but. she always says the same thing, "Well I think it's pretty weird that your best friend is a twelve year old boy!" Personally I think her attraction is that whole "forbidden fruit" syndrome. If his parents would just drop the restraining order she would probably break up with him.

I am back on the outside now and keeping a low profile. Between acid flashbacks I dive for a few golf balls to make drinking money. Then I sit on a park bench and reflect on how good life has been to us. There is just no other country in the world where someone like me could make this kind of a living. We are truly blessed. All of you from the Class of 80' take care and if circumstances allow I will make it to the next class reunion.

(old stuff)
Well, right after high school I started serving my first sentence at the Florida Region IV correctional facility where I met my life partner Snake. Same sex marriages were frowned on in those days, so Snake had a sex change operation and a name change. Over the following fifteen years, Hole (Snake) and I adopted a total of five crack babies who are all happy and well adjusted to the Florida Juvenile Justice system. I do my best to ensure that each of them receives both the physical and mental, character building scars that they will require to succeed in whatever racket they eventually choose.
The tax breaks from our many children together with my income from a very lucrative golf ball diving operation allowed us to take advantage of one of those great “zero down” loans. We were able to buy a nice upscale home in a great neighborhood, but problems started as soon as we moved in. The property values fell like a rock. All of my neighbors soon moved out, leaving us without electric, water or telephone. Things were tough. Matters got worse when the housing crisis started and the property values fell even more. It was no problem when they came to repossess our home; we simply moved into the abandoned house next door. It was a lot cleaner and better smelling at first and the kids thought it was a fun adventure. Now I'm just waiting for the economy to pick up. The demand for used golf balls is way down right now, so I’ve had to find other ways to supplement our income. One night after a miserably failed gas siphoning gig, I was sitting and thinking in my cell, wondering what went wrong, when I came up with an invention I’m going to patent as "Five U.S. gallon bladder pants”. This will add to the growing list of patents I’ve come up with in this way, including ATM machine wheels and the silent alarm hearing aid. Yes, money is a little tight right now, but we’ll get by some how. I’m not asking for any government handouts like those losers on Wall Street, so I can proudly hold my head up; the one thing I can hold up without risking another arrest.
Well I can hear the distant wail of sirens telling me that the kids are on their way home. I’ve also got some guys standing here patiently waiting to repossess this computer and the couch that I’m sitting on, so I’d better sign off for now. I hope all of you from the class of 1980 are enjoying as much success as we are. Life couldn't be much better; and remember to keep it on the light side as much as you can, because you can never have too much cow bell.
You all take care;

School Story:

1973 Freshman
1974 Freshman
1975 Absent
1976 Freshman
1977 Sophomore
1978 Sophomore
1979 Junior
1980 Arrested

I was blamed for allot of things, but I didn't do all of them. For example; I wasn't the one responsible for stealing, nor did I take part in stealing the school’s Viking's Head that ended up taking up a wall of the apartment that I was living in. Nor did I have anything to do with any vandalism to said Viking's Head while it was still attached to the School. If any of you have heard anything to the contrary, it is pure fabrication, and should be disregarded.

(P.S. To counter accusations caused by Shaw-term memory failure, the facts of the previous statement have been certified to be true and correct by an independent panel of the U.S. Committee for the Truthfulness of High School Profiles Regulatory Commission. No further investigation is required or desired.)

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Posted: Dec 16, 2013 at 11:47 PM
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